Borrowed Heart

I’ve realized something today: I can’t pay everything back. I’ve tried and tried to come to terms with this, but no matter how much I try, it’s simply impossible.

Yesterday I went to see Tanya; she smiled gently and held her arms out to me. I let her tears soak my sundress. I let her remember him. She put her ear on my chest and listened to the rhythmic beat of my heart.

“Still love. Always love” she murmured quietly. I struggled to hold my own emotions back, but incessantly the neatly packed tears began to unfold.

We sat on the couch across from each other.

We had started out an eternity apart, and now we’ll end an eternity together.

........................................

The young girl stood in the hospital room watching the doctor with narrowed eyes. “I already told you – I want an abortion!”

“You waited too long. Just let them live.”

“They don’t have a right to life.” She screamed and reached for the door.

........................................

A little girl sits patiently on the sidewalk waiting for her mom to pick her up from school.

........................................

A middle school preteen sits on the bench along with her girlfriends discussing their newest crushes.

........................................

A high school teenager stands by the bus stop anticipating Friday night’s party.

........................................

The heroes in our lives shape our world. In a paragraph, describe someone that you admire greatly.

That’s it. The words stared up at her from the final exam. The girl picked up her borrowed black pen and began to write...

To understand whom I admire, you have to know whom I don’t admire. I don’t admire my mother...

........................................

I choose who I love. It’s my heart, right? My emotions. My tears. My life. My heart. Unfortunately, there’s this thing called family. I don’t have a choice with her. Mom should have known better. Bruce hates me now. And all I can do is work. Work harder – hoping that this will be the last time. The last time she forgets that she has a teenage daughter who just wants her love.

........................................

Loneliness.
Just loneliness.
Simply loneliness.
How can I learn to love if I’m not shown love?
Heartbroken.
Forsaken.
Forgotten.

........................................

Tanya and I were at the beach today, running through the waves, laughing to forget the future. But then we had a quiet moment.

“Charlie.” She gazed into my eyes, burning with passion, holding eternity in the clear blue spheres.

One moment.

One breath.

One life.

“Let’s not talk about it. Please.” I close my eyes, hoping she’ll let me forget for another moment. She squints in the blazing sunset. My beautiful look-alike staring back, lips pursed, eye brows raised.

“What will you do?”

I want to shrug and pretend like I haven’t given it any thought. But I can’t. I open my mouth to speak but instead my heart begins to thump faster and my tears soak my khaki pants. “It’s for Lizzie.”

“Lizzie?” Tanya asks gently. “Who is she?”

“I’m not sure.”

........................................

I saw the doctor today. He told me that I was sick - really sick. I was hoping that this would get mom’s attention for just a moment. One moment in her arms hushing me to sleep like I’d always dreamed. But it didn’t happen.

Mom told the doctor that he was crazy, that I didn’t need a heart transplant, and that I was a solid girl who would outlive her.

........................................

Dear Lizzie.

My name is Charlie. You don’t know me. In fact, I don’t really know you. I want to tell you that you are special. Whatever you do with your life is going to be worth it. See, life isn’t just about giving love but receiving love also.

I want to give you something today. It’s my ability to live, to love, to hope.

The doctors are giving me a few hours to live.

You are a stranger. And yet, I know that somehow we are so intricately connected. My mother tried to abort me and my twin sister, but it didn’t work. Tanya turned out healthy; my organs were distorted from birth. Except my heart. Every beat reminds me that I have the privilege to life.

Maybe there’s someone you need to learn how to love. I’m not perfect, but I want to let you borrow my heart because you need a little longer to learn how to love.

Still love. Always love.

Charlie.

........................................

I awoke to the sounds of whirring machines and tubes attached to every part of me. Then carefully, I placed my hand on the new stitches across my chest and felt the slightest thump of a heartbeat.